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With all the debate raging over Inception (which, apparently, you either love completely or you’re an infidel) I thought it was time to put into words my feelings on Christopher Nolan’s last film which everyone loved.  And why it’s ok, but not great.

Let’s start this off with, I haven’t seen Inception.  I probably won’t see Inception.  I’ve seen four Christopher Nolan films.  I think that’s enough.  I think he may be the most overrated director ever.  Not that he’s bad, but I don’t get the genius that everyone else throws out at him.  I mean, Memento – once you got passed the hook of it being a movie running backwards – was boring, rote and full of holes and The Prestige.  That one just hurt (although, casting David Bowie as Nicola Tesla was genius, I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me if Bowie was conducting mad scientist experiments in his own basement for real).

Then there’s Batman Begins.  To understand what’s wrong with The Dark Knight you have to go back to the beginning.  For Batman Begins Nolan’s stated plan was to remove everything that didn’t make sense about Batman operating in the real world.  So, we don’t get a lot of iconic Batman shots, like Batman swinging from roof to roof as his primary form of transportation.  But we do get a lot of stuff that makes sense like a 10 ton armored assault vehicle driving on roofs with no respect to building codes or physics, Katie Holmes and a guy dressed like a giant, rubber bat…with a cape.

Robble robble robble

See, that was the problem, he wanted to make something that doesn’t make sense, that can’t make sense, make sense. Things only got worse with The Dark Knight.  It is a serious movie.  A very serious movie.  Watching this movie, I feel, was like staring into the same black hole of despair that a 13 year old, suburban goth girls stare into the first time they hear Fascination Street.  There was absolutely no joy to be had here.  At almost no point there was nothing to smile about, nothing to be delighted about.  It’s a funny book movie without an ounce of funny, without a second of relief.

There’s an anime series called Full Metal Alchemist.  The first thing that happens in the series is the heroes’ mother dies when they are 10 and 14 years old.  That is the least depressing thing in the entire series.

The Dark Knight was Christopher Nolan watching FMA, going, “Fuck that, why are there these moments of joy and happiness in it?” then ripping all of those out.  The movie was physically oppressive.  Which is true mostly because.

Christopher Nolan doesn’t understand the Joker.

To be fair this complaint is comic book geeky, but I think it’s valid.  The Joker, aka the Clown Prince of Crime, believes that he is funny.  That’s been a consistent part of his characterization for as far as I can remember.  Not only does the Joker think he’s funny, but he wants everyone else to think he’s funny.  But The Dark Knight’s Joker can’t be bothered with being funny, he’s busy being an “agent of chaos.”  Right, yeah.  It didn’t have to be that way, “the pencil trick,” set up a Joker who, you know, joked, but it was a throw away gag and the last bit of humor to be found.

Oh yeah, also:

Wait 'til they get a loada me.

Plus

Don't do it...not even once

Equals

Why so serious?

My wife actually pointed that out.  I spent and entire movie trying to figure out why Ledger’s Joker was so familiar to me.  Because he wasn’t playing The Joker.  He was playing Jack Nicholson playing The Joker.  The difference is, Tim Burton got the characterization right.

But even all of that I’d have forgiven.  Yes, yes I would have.  Until this.

Dear Christopher Nolan,

I made my way through the vast majority of The Dark Knight (which I paid extra to see in IMAX) without ending my own life due to its complete lack of anything resembling joy and its apparent desire to out “grim n’ gritty” the entire comics output of the 90s.  But then I got to the one scene. You know the one, where Harvey Dent is laying in his hospital bed, suffering injuries that would have killed a mortal normal sensical real man wondering why he was played by Billy Dee Williams in the first two films, but replaced by Tommy Lee Jones the second the role became a major one and out of nowhere the man who killed the woman he loves shows up.

and hands him a gun

and convinces him that he should seek revenge/take out his rage on people who had nothing to do with killing his girlfriend, especially the ones who tried to save her life.  But he should, in no way kill the man who not only actually killed his girlfriend, but prevented everyone else from saving her by using l33t supervillan skillz.

THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

Can you please explain it to me?

Thank You,
G. Edward Jones, Jr.

A salve'll take care of that

Dear G. Edward,

Thank you for paying extra to see The Dark Knight in IMAX.  I’m sure you can agree that, like all of my movies, it has an internal logic that doesn’t hold up under the most rudimentary scrutiny, but on IMAX it looks orgasmicly amazing.  Also, enough people handed over the extra sheckles to buy me a brand new Phantom Drophead.

To answer your question. BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY! I’m CHRISTOPHER FUCKING NOLAN!

I do, however, apologize deeply for The Prestige, that was just doo doo.

Sincerely,
Christopher Nolan

Yup, exactly what I thought.