Mystic Negro dot Com

I spent part of the weekend dealing with a dog with explosive diarrhea and part of it filming/reviewing clips for the Steven Nowak 39th Birthday Riding Film Extravaganza (and Ice Cream Parlor). It occurs to me that actually writing about the process behind the SN39thBRFE (and Irrational Hatred of Green Vegetables) makes it seem like this is some serious thing with a lot of thought and planning put into it.

Let me assure you, it is not.

This will be another of a bajillion poorly conceived and edited web videos which will be seen by ones of people all over my house. However, I am full of neurosis and also the owner of one of the best domain names on the planet so, since I’ve been told by people who are both pro and against my new titties on Monday format that I should write more and writing about the creative process seems to be more interesting than telling you about the joys of my super exciting job of sitting in front of a computer, FTP’ing things all day and troubleshooting config files.

Also, seriously, I over think stuff. Which brings us back to the Steven Nowak 39th Birthday Riding Film Extravaganza (and Steve, Seriously, You Should Come With Us to Masago Steakhouse and Thai. A Guy With This Body Knows Food). I’ve been reviewing clips trying to find some narrative thread, where there is none.

——-SNIP——-

So, I wrote that a few months ago, shortly afterwards (like the next day) Mojo died and I kind of lost the plot on the whole Steve Nowak 39th Birthday Video Extravaganza (And Mandy, Don’t Let Indy Ride His Bike in Sandles).  But after some time spent feeling like ass, and then some time spent at work trying to launch a brand new website featuring technology none of us had used before and then some time on vacation after doing that I’m back, and I may have found a song.

This is a brand new Ibanez RG350M

I believe, but cannot prove, this is what the body I have started out life as (only it did it a decade ago).  If I was to order this from Musicians Friend right now it would cost me $429.00 with free shipping.  I’m using the MF price because it’s easy to find and pretty much universal.  However, even a little bit of research and you can find this guitar for up to $50 less than that price.  Which brings me to my current situation.

Much like a free dog, a free guitar body isn’t free.

Before he died, Mojo – who was free – racked up medical expenses roughly equivalent to the purchase price of fully loaded, 2008 Cadillac CTS.  I don’t expect this project to rack up that much in cost.  But it’s not looking good, so far.  Let’s break down the costs so far.

1. Body – Free
2. Neck $100
3. Bridge – $80
4. Pickguard – $44

So, I’m at over $200 and I haven’t bought pickups (probably another $100 when all is said and done) or switches and pots (another $50) or factored in the costs of refinishing, or assembly.  This also doesn’t take into account that the pickguard I ordered may not fit (I spent all of yesterday having the builder more or less guarantee me that it won’t work because RG350s are a moving target).  It also doesn’t take into account the time spent hunting down parts that you hope will work but may not (another rant for another day, possibly tomorrow).  Best case scenario, I’m spending $400 for a used guitar that I can buy for $400 new.

I have a business degree, you know.

What I’m saying is, if you’re hankering for a project guitar, you’re better off just buying a whole guitar. Learn from my mistakes, you should

A long long time ago a buddy of mine gave me an Ibanez RG350 body and told me to “do something cool” with it.

So I bought a neck and a bridge and some pickups and I painted it and then I put it in the garage where it has stayed to this day.  This was in part because of how I screwed up the finish (note to self: painting a guitar with a brush is on the harder side of insane) and in part because life happened. I got married, I got dogs, I inherited half of a mortgage and all the stupidity that comes with home ownership, work got crazy, etc. etc. etc. excuse, excuse, excuse.

This project has been going on so long that it’s become an in-joke among my guitar inclined friends, so much so that there’s an informal contest between some friends of mine about who can get their longstanding projects done last.  As far as I know, Jay’s es Paul is still unfinished and Kevan’s double neck Jem is still not done.  So, this competition is mine to lose.

And lose it I shall.  Over the next couple of months (and lets be hones, this is going to be a paycheck to paycheck type deal) I’m going to strip and re-finish the body, attempt to make my own pickguard, hunt down some new pickups (since the ones I got previously went into another guitar) and additional electronics.  Hopefully it’ll all come out cool, but even if it ends up looking like ass, I’ll just be glad to get it over.

Watch this space.

I’ve been in a creative slump for a while now, one that only got worse when Mojo died.  Frankly for the last month I’ve barely had any desire to do much of anything.  I think it’s obvious in the fact that my website is pretty much just a place where you can go see women in bikinis on Monday (interesting tidbit: my traffic appears to be the same as when I was expending effort to created new content).  In an attempt to pull my head out of my proverbial tuchis I’ve been paying attention to people who do things that I admire.

Like this guy. Roger Lima is a sound designer/composer/one man band who has a handful of YouTube videos that, I think, gives hope to bedroom musicians everywhere. Here he plays a bicycle.

I remember reading a review of this album in Guitar World magazine where the reviewer (I think it was Emile D. Menesche’) showed the hubris of guitarists everywhere by claiming that David Lee Roth’s ego was obviously out of control because David Lee Roth’s voice was the loudest thing on a David Lee Roth album. Apparently, the guitars should have been louder than Dave in the mix.

Not making that up. Guitarists are dumb.



 

I once pointed out how these were the same song to a buddy of mine and he hated me for weeks.  “Hated” may be a strong word, but he was not pleased.

When I do an album you didn’t buy it’s usually because I came across some random, forgotten gem on Amazon (or, more and more lately, the Zune Marketplace). Then I live with the album for a week or so. Or at least I try to. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes..

Oh let me just say, this album has a high degree of shittiassitudiness.

Way back when I was a wee Mystic Negro in college I was transitioning from listening to the hair metal bands of my youth to heavier fare I decided to give this album a try. This was based mostly off a recommendation of the only Faith No More guitarist that was actually worth a damn then Faith No More guitarist Jim Martin proclaiming its heaviness and awesomeness.  Unbeknownst to me Jim is a filthy, dirty liar.

I thought that given my advanced age and appreciation for heavier music…

OK, let’s just break this down, with few exceptions (“Self Immolation” and…”Self Immolation) there really isn’t anything here.  It’s a sprawling mess full of riff salad loosely collected into “songs.” Full of samples that are meant to be “disturbing,” or “heavy” or maybe “scary.”  Some would call it “progressive,” but it’s just an aimless mess (much like this review).  One track, “Natividad” (which I believed is named after guitarist Dino Cazares’ grandmother) consists of what sounds like a metal trash can thrown down a concrete staircase.  I love you too, nana!

If this is music you didn’t buy, you’re smarter than me.

So, there has been a request that I film a BMX web edit for a buddy.  I kind of left the request up in the air as here is my complete knowledge of video production:

• My phone shoots 720p video
• My point and shoot shoots 1080p video
• D got me a pocket video camera that shoots 1080p video

You may notice that nowhere in that list was any knowledge of shooting or editing video.  Also lacking is a proper video camera.  However, I am intrigued by the idea of shooting video, especially since I recently bought a computer that can actually handle editing HD video (unlike my previous laptop which could barely handle displaying HD video).  As is my way I am intrigued by the idea of shooting a video and even more intrigued by the conventions of the BMX web video.

Not really, however, after throwing myself into The Come Up and its comments section (also Ride and its comments and Vital and its comments) I have come up with a list of what to expect if I masochistically go forth with this whole video thing.

1. You Must Have an Encyclopediac Knowledge of All Videos Which Came Before You
This is the most important rule.  If you don’t know every video by every rider who is more or slightly less famous than you you may end up recreating a move done by someone else.  This is bad, Freestyle BMX thrives on individuality (as long as you dress properly, ride parts by one of the handful of approved companies, don’t ride parts by one of the many unapproved companies and generally behave in a way that fits in with the prevailing fashion).  The last thing you want to do, ever, is recreate moves done by someone else in a video.  To be fair the number of people who can pull of a 100% original video can be counted on one hand, but that’s just details.

You also never want to use a song that anyone else has used in a video section, ever.  The “song jack” – even if completely unintentional – is like showing someone a bukkake video that you shot with their mom.  Actually, I’ve never seen someone who’s been “song jacked” actually care, mostly its other people who get all worked up about it.  The “song jack” is like showing a bunch of strangers who have no communication with the person in question a bukkake video you shot with a woman that looks kinda like their mom.

2. You Are Homosexual
As BMX is dominated by 16 year old boys and grown men who act like 16 year old boys the worst thing that you could possibly be is attracted to other men (if you’re a chick and attracted to other chicks, that’s hot).  Beware that, if you are the subject of a web video the performing the following will be roughly the same as admitting that you bottom for George Takai:

• Riding park
• Riding street
• Riding vert
• Riding trails
• Racing

I was going to say riding flat, but I think we’ve all come to the conclusion that riding flat is very, very hard and nobody cares.

3. Your Music Sucks
Let’s say you manage to get by without actually song jacking anyone (which given the proliferation of BMX web edits vs. the creation new music is almost impossible) what the hell do you do?  Every good song ever written has already been used by someone, this is just a statistical truth.

NO!

Remember, 16 year old boys.  You know what teenagers hate more than anything?  Music that came out before they were teenagers!  There is a wealth of music to be used and since BMX is all wiggafied there is a wealth of music made by White people which has never even been heard of by the vast throngs of middle class caucasian males that make up the sport.  So my suggestion is go old or go metal.  For instance:

 


Jesus is Love is arguably the best song Lionel Richie ever wrote (Alabama represent, bitches!).  It has the dual advantage of being completely unknown by your average BMXer and pissing off half of them (remember, if you actually are a Christian the worst thing you can do is be a Christian because the act of existing means that you’re trying to force your beliefs on BMX even if, uh, you’re doing no such thing).

 


Or you could go the exact opposite way.  Here’s some porno-grind from Cock and Ball Torture.  I have no idea what the lyrics to Enema Bulldozer are, but do I need to?  It’s a song called  ENEMA BULLDOZER!!!!

You could also go country, but let’s be honest, modern country is all just really bad 80s pop music anyway.  You may as well just ride to Poison.

4. Even if You Manage To Avoid All of the Above…
Someone will still bitch.  Honestly, just do what you want to do.  BMX is not serious business, it’s grown men riding bicycles designed for 12 year olds.

So, given what I know, can I create a video that pisses off the least most least most a good number of people?  Sure.  Will I?