Mystic Negro dot Com

Hi George it’s me, uhm, George.  I’m writing  this the day after the release of the Star Wars Collection on Blu-Ray to thank you for letting me spend money on camera equipment, shoes and software. It all started a long long time ago (the 80s) in a zip code far, far away (Midfield, Alabama) where my father took his three children to see The Empire Strikes Back.  It was my first movie in a theater and I still remember Darth Vader scaring the living shit out of me by walking in the hangar and just shrugging off laser fire.  LASER FIRE.  I was hooked for life.  Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi; These movies had me.

Sadly these are not the movies included in the $140 Ultimate Blu-Ray Collection of Star Wars Related Items which was released muricuh yesterday (by the way, don’t you live here?  Why the hell did this stuff get released in Europe first?  I’m getting tired of this crap, aren’t we supposed to be the last remaining superpower?  Can’t we use that standing to do something worthwhile like getting the cool stuff first?) Anyway, moving on.  I want to see the movies where Han shot first, James Earl Jones did not phone in one line of laughably bad dialog and the Ewoks stare with cold, dead, unblinking eyes.

I want to see the work of young, hungry, broke-ass George Lucas (Star Wars)  not the movie that old, rich George Lucas wishes that young, hungry, broke-ass George Lucas had made (A New Hope).  However, you’re not giving me that choice.  The idea of “original and directors cuts” which can seamlessly coexist on one disc seems to escape the abilities of a guy who made an entire galaxy in a computer. At $150 give or take after taxes and/or shipping what I’m saying is, I’m not giving you $50  to watch a parody of films I grew up on (also, did you know that when they show them on TV now they remove the incest?  What’s up with that?  OK, kissing your twin sister is gross, but if you’re 19 and you didn’t know she was your sister and you were about to die and she was hot…I mean it’s still gross, if you wanted to add anything to those movies it should have been the scene in The Empire Strikes Back where Luke tries to wash the memory of MAKING OUT WITH HIS TWIN SISTER out of his brain. Twice.).

Anyway, my momma has the original, unmolested trilogy on VHS.  Thanks the the magic of DVD recorders and RCA cables I will be digitizing those and watching the real Star Wars shortly.  This saves me the money I’d have given you and gives me the money to buy a new (to me, if not to the world) lens.

Over forty hours of bonus footage, OK that’s awesome.  That’s easily worth $50 and I would pay $50 for it.  But I can’t, so I will buy new Pumas instead. Look, I like Pumas.  I actually also like Star Wars and I’m a geek who loves behind the scenes stuff so, so, so much.  However…

George, I refuse to give you another $50 for what appears to be a Star Wars related fan-fiction story with high production values where Darth Vader is re-cast as an emo teenager who’s in love with a cougar.  While the original films have their flaws (oh Lord do they have their flaws) these seem to have been written by some fat guy holed up alone in the dark in front of a lap top with no editor or at least a proof reader.

…

Moving on

What I’m saying is that, I can buy an upgrade to my favorite photo editing suite for the money you’re trying to get for three movies that are at best boring and at worst offensive and boring and horrible.  They’re horrible either way, by the way.

So, George, I thank you I only have so much money and you’ve given me the option of spending it somewhere else.  You, my friend, are awesome.

Sincerely,

George

Henry Rollins said, “I like the government, they protect me from the free market.”  Sadly, nothing can protect us from people going to see Michael Bay movies.  Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon pulled in 398 million dollars worldwide over the (in America long) weekend.  Which is bad.  Michael Bay has proven that he doesn’t care about plot, acting, story, narrative arcs or pretty much anything besides ass shots and explosions.

With those two pictures you’ve now seen every movie that Michael Bay is capable of making.

But he will make more.  Despite being universally reviled, Transformers 3 managed to rake in almost half a billion dollars this weekend.  There will be a fourth movie and it will be terrible.

I think Judgement Day DID happen on May 21st and we’re in the “Hell on Earth” portion of the post judgement.

Several years ago I went to see Michael Bay’s Transformers with occasional running buddy, recovering angry, young man and all around all around guy, Sean “Diesel” Reid.  While I expected it, I was not prepared for what would happen next.  Without getting too deep into it, Michael Bay walked up behind part of my childhood, clubbed it unconscious with Shia LaBeauf and proceeded to anally rape its unconscious body.

Then he shat on it.

A man just doesn’t get over that.  Which is why I skipped Transformers 2.  Thankfully, I was nowhere around the Step-n-Fetchicons and I have no desire to see the current big budget, cinematic abortion which features the good guys shooting people in the back and killing people Mortal Kombat Fatality style.

Spill.com gave it “Some old Bullshit.”  Listen to the full review here, they were being generous. They also pointed out something funny.  All three movies share the same basic plot.  Which is to say that, three movies in with (more or less) the same cast and crew (they did replace Megan Fox with a girl who’s not as pretty, but is also a worse actress) they’ve rebooted the Transformers franchise three times.

She's not unatractive, but Megan Austin Green is Way Hotter.

One of my best friends called me from Tuscon after checking an early morning, Saturday showing.  His words, “Don’t waste your life.”

If you want to feel like your mind’s been shat on, but don’t feel like spending the money to see the movie you can go and read Topless Robot’s FAQ.  It’s pretty much a full rundown of the movie, without the visual.  A quote:

Really? Why?
Presumably he’s one of those folks who worked at NASA, but it could just be because Ken Jeong is a weirdo. Anyways, Laserbeak, having completed his mission of making it look like suicide, sneaks into Shia’s office as a copier and then attacks him, finally bringing him into the main plot.
None of that last sentence made any sense. If it was supposed to look like a suicide, why would Laserbeak then instantly reveal himself? How could he sneak into a busy office as copier? Why does he attack Shia?
I can’t answer the first two, but as for the last question, I assume the Decepticons saw Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Okay, I’ll buy that. So what’s this main plot you speak of?
Well, while the movie focuses on important things like the Beef’s employment search, the Autobots, along with Josh Duhamel and other unimportant humans, go to Chernobyl on a tip that Decepticons are hanging out there. There, the Autobots discover a piece of the Ark which the Decepticons somehow apparently had. Also they get attacked by a giant robot sandworm thing which kills countless humans and zero Autobots, of course.
What Decepticon is the giant robot sandworm?
Uh… Sandwormicon? Fuck, I don’t know. It doesn’t transform or anything. Anyways, it doesn’t matter, because this is all a Decepticon ploy for the Autobots to find the Ark piece and then go to the moon.
If they just wanted the Autobots to find the Ark piece, why have the giant robot sandworm attack the Autobots at all?
Look, you have a giant robot sandworm, you might as well use it, right?

Yeah, this is terrible. You should just avoid it.  I know the three of you who read this don’t care what I think and this movie has probably already made several gajillion dollars.  But, really, stop reqarding Michael Bay for this shit.

I lied. That totally sucks.

With all the debate raging over Inception (which, apparently, you either love completely or you’re an infidel) I thought it was time to put into words my feelings on Christopher Nolan’s last film which everyone loved.  And why it’s ok, but not great.

Let’s start this off with, I haven’t seen Inception.  I probably won’t see Inception.  I’ve seen four Christopher Nolan films.  I think that’s enough.  I think he may be the most overrated director ever.  Not that he’s bad, but I don’t get the genius that everyone else throws out at him.  I mean, Memento – once you got passed the hook of it being a movie running backwards – was boring, rote and full of holes and The Prestige.  That one just hurt (although, casting David Bowie as Nicola Tesla was genius, I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me if Bowie was conducting mad scientist experiments in his own basement for real).

Then there’s Batman Begins.  To understand what’s wrong with The Dark Knight you have to go back to the beginning.  For Batman Begins Nolan’s stated plan was to remove everything that didn’t make sense about Batman operating in the real world.  So, we don’t get a lot of iconic Batman shots, like Batman swinging from roof to roof as his primary form of transportation.  But we do get a lot of stuff that makes sense like a 10 ton armored assault vehicle driving on roofs with no respect to building codes or physics, Katie Holmes and a guy dressed like a giant, rubber bat…with a cape.

Robble robble robble

See, that was the problem, he wanted to make something that doesn’t make sense, that can’t make sense, make sense. Things only got worse with The Dark Knight.  It is a serious movie.  A very serious movie.  Watching this movie, I feel, was like staring into the same black hole of despair that a 13 year old, suburban goth girls stare into the first time they hear Fascination Street.  There was absolutely no joy to be had here.  At almost no point there was nothing to smile about, nothing to be delighted about.  It’s a funny book movie without an ounce of funny, without a second of relief.

There’s an anime series called Full Metal Alchemist.  The first thing that happens in the series is the heroes’ mother dies when they are 10 and 14 years old.  That is the least depressing thing in the entire series.

The Dark Knight was Christopher Nolan watching FMA, going, “Fuck that, why are there these moments of joy and happiness in it?” then ripping all of those out.  The movie was physically oppressive.  Which is true mostly because.

Christopher Nolan doesn’t understand the Joker.

To be fair this complaint is comic book geeky, but I think it’s valid.  The Joker, aka the Clown Prince of Crime, believes that he is funny.  That’s been a consistent part of his characterization for as far as I can remember.  Not only does the Joker think he’s funny, but he wants everyone else to think he’s funny.  But The Dark Knight’s Joker can’t be bothered with being funny, he’s busy being an “agent of chaos.”  Right, yeah.  It didn’t have to be that way, “the pencil trick,” set up a Joker who, you know, joked, but it was a throw away gag and the last bit of humor to be found.

Oh yeah, also:

Wait 'til they get a loada me.

Plus

Don't do it...not even once

Equals

Why so serious?

My wife actually pointed that out.  I spent and entire movie trying to figure out why Ledger’s Joker was so familiar to me.  Because he wasn’t playing The Joker.  He was playing Jack Nicholson playing The Joker.  The difference is, Tim Burton got the characterization right.

But even all of that I’d have forgiven.  Yes, yes I would have.  Until this.

Dear Christopher Nolan,

I made my way through the vast majority of The Dark Knight (which I paid extra to see in IMAX) without ending my own life due to its complete lack of anything resembling joy and its apparent desire to out “grim n’ gritty” the entire comics output of the 90s.  But then I got to the one scene. You know the one, where Harvey Dent is laying in his hospital bed, suffering injuries that would have killed a mortal normal sensical real man wondering why he was played by Billy Dee Williams in the first two films, but replaced by Tommy Lee Jones the second the role became a major one and out of nowhere the man who killed the woman he loves shows up.

and hands him a gun

and convinces him that he should seek revenge/take out his rage on people who had nothing to do with killing his girlfriend, especially the ones who tried to save her life.  But he should, in no way kill the man who not only actually killed his girlfriend, but prevented everyone else from saving her by using l33t supervillan skillz.

THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.

Can you please explain it to me?

Thank You,
G. Edward Jones, Jr.

A salve'll take care of that

Dear G. Edward,

Thank you for paying extra to see The Dark Knight in IMAX.  I’m sure you can agree that, like all of my movies, it has an internal logic that doesn’t hold up under the most rudimentary scrutiny, but on IMAX it looks orgasmicly amazing.  Also, enough people handed over the extra sheckles to buy me a brand new Phantom Drophead.

To answer your question. BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY! I’m CHRISTOPHER FUCKING NOLAN!

I do, however, apologize deeply for The Prestige, that was just doo doo.

Sincerely,
Christopher Nolan

Yup, exactly what I thought.

There are movies that are so bad they’re good and there are movies that are so bad they’re bad.  You’d think a movie called Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus would be the former.

Idiot.

No, no, I was fooled, too.

In Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus Debbieorah Gibson plays a cougar who drives a submarine around and has sex with an Asian guy.  Lorenzo Lamas plays a bad ass who’s in charge of the military.  We know he’s a bad ass because he wears all black instead of a uniform and has a pony tail.  We’re never actually told what it is he does, but it’s bad ass.  The story revolves around Deborahbie Gibson falling in love with a geeky, Japanese scientist.

No, no, really.

OK, here we go.  Debbie Gibson and a friend steal a research submarine and find a megalodon and a giant octopus trapped in ice.

These two giants of the deep go on to do crazy shit like, eat an airliner from the sky (see, Great Whites jump from the ocean to eat birds, so obviously a giant Great White could eat a cruising jumbo jet) destroy an oil rig off the coast of Asia (I think it was Japan, but does it really matter?  I think a member of the government apologized to the octopus for causing an ecological disaster) and, oh yeah, eating the golden gate bridge.

The last interesting thing that happens in the whole, damn movie

Debbie Gibson then lets the Japanese scientist put his electric youth in her and they decide that phermones will cause the Mega Shark to versus the Giant Octopus…which it does…for four minutes (I know I timed it). Then the movie ends.

I know you’re like “George, this synopsis sucks, it doesn’t tell us anything and is confusing.” Yes, it makes more sense than the movie and has imparted pretty much the entirety of it.  MSvGO is the kind of movie where they couldn’t be bothered to film the stock footage of a hand on a joystick steering left, right, up and down, therefore it looks like the protagonist got a manicure 7 times in 2 minutes in a submarine.  You can just imagine an actor asking the director, “If Debbie Gibson is trying to sneak into a secure, government research area on a beach, why would she wear 4″ heels and a mini skirt?” and the director looking back at him and with all seriousness replying, “Why? BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY!!!!!!!!!!” It’s a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus that’s two hours long and has the title battle end in less than five minutes.  It may be the worst movie ever.

Really, no, really.  The synopsis on IMDB pretty much sums it all up.

I just don’t understand why this movie was ever made..May be the producer was itching to let some(Few million) money slip out of his fingers, just like that. Apart from the title of the movie, there is nothing else that is worthy of attention….

This movie was Dead dull from beginning to end and bear with me as i unfold its mysteries(as if there were any!!!)

(AGAIN SPOILERS AHEAD SO SAVE YOURSELF SOME TIME AND CONSIDER THE ABOVE MESSAGE AS A WARNING AND CARRY ON WITH YOUR BUSINESS!!!!) …………………… ………………………. …………………………….. …………………………….. ……………………………………. ………………………………………… …………………………………………. ……………………………………………..

So you decided to read anyway. Never mind, let’s begin: It all begins when two scientists accidentally discover a mega shark and giant octopus buried in ice under sea.Now the ice obviously breaks due to a whale collapsing incident which our doctors were in right time to witness by the way on an experimental submarine which they had stolen for exploration( probably written in script to give the BADASS side to the otherwise nerdy protagonist i.e, Deborah Gibson the woman playing Emma)

Anyway, soon after these prehistoric creatures are at loose once again, they start hunting for food and bizarre incidents start happening all around the globe like tearing up of an oil rig by our friend octopus and disappearance of an airplane flying at 15000 feet in air at around 200 nautical miles per hour: Courtesy Mega shark(Now Come on, enough is enough!! I could digest the oil rig bit, but this is too much! The shark actually jumps i don’t know 15000 feet in the air grabs the plane by its wings and plumbs it down under the ocean,Jesus!)

Anyhoo, soon the world turns to our protagonists Emma, Her retired or i don’t know retarded professor and her would be lover Dr. Seiji Shimada for solution to this menace….So after a lot of of shots devoted to what can only be described as a high school chemistry laboratory our fellow doctors come up with a solution heromones – To lure them as bait(only after having an intense session of love making in the so called research lab storage room: this is where it strikes them!!! What a lame excuse to put a Sex Scene in the movie!!)

The creatures however are too smart for us humans and although they get lured by pheromones(now who wouldn’t!)they eventually escape, These are troubled times as our Governments are now thinking of deploying nukes to stop these beasts and by governments i mean a guy with a ponytail A.K.A Allan Baxter played by Lorenzo Lamas, now i still couldn’t figure out which agency was he working for and honestly speaking i have no stamina or will to watch this movie again, just for that!

Ultimately Our genius doctors/ Scientist Decide that since the pheromone thing worked a little bit, they are gonna give it another try, but this time they ‘ll lure the beasts to a single location far from civilization under the abyss of ocean, so that they can kill each other off and finally finish off what they started millions of of years ago…. The rest my friends, as they say, is History….

P.S- The special effects were not so “special”…

P.P.S- If these creatures were so hungry all the time why didn’t they destroyed the submarine(which had EMMA AND VINCE on board)and ate them, when it was meters away from them when they first got loose??(My guess:Otherwise the movie would not have been made!!)

Watch it at your own risk!!!

Yup, that’s about it.  That being said, I’m still so watching Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

*The GSS posits that Godzilla is always the perfect size for causing maximum damage.  that is, if Godzilla will cause more damage by running ON buildings he will be several thousand feet tall, if he will cause more damage by running THROUGH buildings he will be the “30 stories high” he’s described as in the theme song to the cartoon