I spent part of the weekend dealing with a dog with explosive diarrhea and part of it filming/reviewing clips for the Steven Nowak 39th Birthday Riding Film Extravaganza (and Ice Cream Parlor). It occurs to me that actually writing about the process behind the SN39thBRFE (and Irrational Hatred of Green Vegetables) makes it seem like this is some serious thing with a lot of thought and planning put into it.
Let me assure you, it is not.
This will be another of a bajillion poorly conceived and edited web videos which will be seen by ones of people all over my house. However, I am full of neurosis and also the owner of one of the best domain names on the planet so, since I’ve been told by people who are both pro and against my new titties on Monday format that I should write more and writing about the creative process seems to be more interesting than telling you about the joys of my super exciting job of sitting in front of a computer, FTP’ing things all day and troubleshooting config files.
Also, seriously, I over think stuff. Which brings us back to the Steven Nowak 39th Birthday Riding Film Extravaganza (and Steve, Seriously, You Should Come With Us to Masago Steakhouse and Thai. A Guy With This Body Knows Food). I’ve been reviewing clips trying to find some narrative thread, where there is none.
——-SNIP——-
So, I wrote that a few months ago, shortly afterwards (like the next day) Mojo died and I kind of lost the plot on the whole Steve Nowak 39th Birthday Video Extravaganza (And Mandy, Don’t Let Indy Ride His Bike in Sandles). But after some time spent feeling like ass, and then some time spent at work trying to launch a brand new website featuring technology none of us had used before and then some time on vacation after doing that I’m back, and I may have found a song.
An Asian hipster basically doing a Jeremy Clarkson impersonation…to review cameras in Hong Kong.
Well, 1 and 3 still haven’t happened, but 2 and 4 are here. See below as Kai, the above mentioned Asian hipster, is challenged to paint an innocent Nikon D90 “the company’s colors.” It is brilliant and terrible. This is the world of DigitalRev, a Hong Kong based camera store who’s blog apparently seeks to do for photography blogs what Top Gear did for automotive television shows. And bless ‘em for it.
Granted, some random blog from a former British territory isn’t going to have nearly the production values of The World’s Most Popular Automotive Programme. But the attitude is there. Ridiculous challenges? Check. Sarcastic reviews that are more entertaining than informative? Check. High entertainment value? Check.
There are weird things in this world and there a really, truly, amazingly, fucking weird things in this world.
This is the latter.
20 years ago, someone decided that it’d be a good idea to have Napalm Death on a children’s television show. Lee Dorian appears to be high, and not even the Brits understand that one accent where they pronounce “th” as “f” (“It’s def me’al.” I think that was The Hard Corps who came like 2 – 3 years after this). I’d also like to point out two things about the band.
Everyone at or around the age of 40 in any band in England was in Napalm Death at some point. To an extent, they’re like London, only you’ve actually heard of Napalm Death. Please note that this is the version that contained Lee Dorian (now in Candlemass) and Bill Steer (Carcass).
Not a single person who is currently in Napalm Death was in Napalm Death when this video was shot. Napalm Death is not a band, it is an idea…of death by napalm, or something.
There are things I don’t understand. Lady Gaga’s popularity, why people take Sarah Palin seriously, the BMX industry as a whole. But mostly, I guess what I don’t get is people.
Back in the days before the Sunday Morning Duncan Creek Crew got scattered to the four winds there was a kid, Chad. We called Chad “Chester” because he was the owner of a sweet late 70s/early 80s era GMC conversion van that just LOOKED like he was offering kids candy out the back. It was a joke, and one that seems to have ended now that Chad’s rolling in a retired PD Crown Vic.
Sadly, apparently, Atlanta’s BMX scene now includes someone who is listed on the Georgia Sex Offenders Registry as having committed “Class One Harm to a Child.” Now, to be fair there are many ways to legally become a child molester, my favorite is if you’re a senior in high school and your girlfriend is a sophomore and you hit that. That, most sane people will admit, shouldn’t count. Apparently that’s not what this guy did.
Actually, nobody’s sure what he did, his story’s changed more than once.
But that’s really kinda not the point. The point is, if you’re a convicted child molester you may want to keep the lowest profile possible, not get caught hanging out with a bunch of kids and not make enemies with people who will call the cops on your ass (or, you know, shoot you, don’t get it twisted Georgia ain’t Texas, but we love our 2nd Amendment). Which is not what this guy is doing.
Now, let’s get one thing straight, I don’t know dude, as far as I know I’ve never met him and I’ve seen his picture on the Sex Offender’s Registry, but that’s about it. But, I do know that instead of keeping a low profile and trying to get along with the minimum amount of fuss (and attention) with everyone. Dude’s busy making threats on Beast Mode (also, Matt LeViege’s feelings are hurt, which is sad, because I think Matt is one of the more creative riders out there, but his reputation precedes him and that reputation, not good, but also not specific) and, from what I can tell just being kinda creepy and asshatty.
My suggestions?
Stop hanging out with middle school kids, shit’s creepy.
Stop threatening people, the cops will always go to you first
Just give it up, you’ve pissed off half of Atlanta, maybe start someplace else. Build a mini in your back yard and ride it. Lay low for, you know, ever.
But has anyone ever listened to me? No, no they haven’t.
The purpose of advertising is to make you buy something by making it appear more awesome than it actually is without actually lying, because that would get you in trouble with the law.
So, see, Nissan o’ Canada isn’t lying here, a remote controlled SE-R is exactly this fun, which is about 10 times as fun as an actual SE-R by all accounts (with every generation that car seems to lose more and more of its mojo).
I know this because Dave Mustaine keeps telling me that he’s a mother effing legend. No, seriously, I just read an interview with Pete Townsend (PETE EFFING TOWNSEND) where he doesn’t once mention that he’s a legend. But the below interview is the second interview with Dave in roughly as many months that I’ve been exposed to where he points out that he’s a legend and you don’t get more legendary than a legend, which means that Dave Mustaine is on the same level as Tony Iomi or Elvis.
I’d also like to point out to Chris Broderick that after you get fired (and I know you’ll get fired. How do I know this? Because you’re in Megadeth.) Dave will spend a few minutes in every interview talking about how you sucked and weren’t a right fit for the band. Hell, if the split is particularly heinous, he’ll even write a song about you.
Anyway, back to Dave who doesn’t get that if you’re actually a legend, you don’t have to tell people that you are, they know. And while I’ll admit that in the realm of speed/thrash metal Dave is a big, assed legend and in the world of heavy metal in general he’s a minor legend. In the world of music in general Dave’s a footnote. But Dave tends to be oblivious things like that. Lets just take a look at Dave’s guitar endorsement history.
Skipping B.C. Rich, where he gots nothing. Dave took Danny Spitz’s advice and chucked all of his other guitars to play Jacksons until he got not just an endorsement deal (right around the time that Jackson went from endorsing six people in the world to endorsing anyone with long hair) but a signature guitar. Dave’s signature guitar:
The King V was originally called the “Double Rhoads” because both of its points were the size of the upper point of the Jackson Rhoads guitar. When Dave stopped using Jackson he said that one of the reasons was because they took his name off of his signature guitar, the King V, when he started using the Y2KV and “you don’t take someone’s name off of their signature guitar.” Which, to be fair, Jackson didn’t.
King
Ratt guitarist Robbin “King” Crosby was like 6’5″ and wanted a slightly oversized guitar, he got the Double Rhoads and it became the “King V.”
If only it had stopped there.
Dave hooked up with ESP guitars and upon finding that no one was using their V shaped guitars he “designed” the DV8 series. Of course, the reason no one was using ESP’s V shaped guitars is because their original endorser, guy who hates Dave Mustaine with a burning red hot satanic fury Dave’s close personal friend Kerry F. King had began using BC Rich guitars again. Leaving Dave playing a modified version of a guy who has expressed his hatred for Dave in every interview, ever.
Dave then designed the ESP Axxion. The less said about that the better. Sweet dancing baby mama of metal was that thing ugly. The two Xs in the name signified Dave’s 20 years in the music industry, or what was on the jug he drank out of before designing it. Still, it was his own, original guitar.
That didn’t last.
Leaving ESP, he then had Dean design him, well, another fucking King V, that’s what they did. But not being content with that, he decided he needed a new, better signature guitar. I present to you the Zero:
Now, if you listen to the interview that Dave gave about his kickass new signature guitar he goes into how he had to make sure that nobody else was using this model first, because that’s really important to him. Still, for some reason this really looks familiar.
I’ve got it, how about here. I can’t embed this video, because the charred corpse of Megaforce records doesn’t understand how the internet works, but I still have the feeling that Bobby Gustafson wasn’t who I was thinking about.
Oh yeah:
Oh, That Guy Who Kicked Dave Out of a Band...
DAVE MUSTAINE’S NEW SIGNATURE GUITAR IS A WHITE EXPLORER, ZOMGWTFLOL!!!10001110101
No, seriously, Dave decided that his new signature guitar should be a guitar so thoroughly linked with his biggest musical rival that an argument can be made that it is the source of all Metallica’s power. Don’t believe me<
…And Justice for All – white Explorer.
Metallica – black Explorer.
Load/Reload/ Garage Inc/St. Anger – no Explorer.
Death Magnetic* – white Explorer.
So, you get what I’m saying, Mustaine is oblivious and Metallica has sucked for a very, very long time.
Maybe in the future Dave can be legendary enough to get his own guitar. I’m not counting on it, but it could happen. He is, after all, a legend.
*This should be in no way taken as me saying that Death Magnetic was good, it still kinda blew. Just less.
This is what the Honda Accord looks like in the rest of the world:
You may know it in America as Acura’s entry level sedan, the TSX. The cheapest TSX you can buy costs more than the highest trim level Accord and even if you pile on the options the TSX keeps a not inconsiderable lead in pricing. Oh yeah, the American Accord looks like this:
Which is to say, “ugly,” although I will admit that the coupe is kinda hot.
But ignoring all of that, the Euros get the Accord wagon
And while Honda has said that they will bring this over as a TSX model right now our choices are the Accord Crosstour:
Kill it with Fire
The proper response to seeing a Crosstour in public is to gather a torches and pitchforks wielding mob.
Of course if you’d prefer to spend more money on your ugly there’s always the Acura ZDX:
(Artist's Impression)
A car so ugly that The Mrs. believes that it cannot be photographed. It is also stupid in a way that only a mid-sized SUV that you can’t fit four adults into without beheading two of them can be.
These tortured exercises in design exist because Americans hate wagons. Because we am dumb.
