So, yeah, this video will not change the world or save BMX. It will not blow your mind or destroy your senses. It has some technical glitches because I don’t know what I’m doing (and I’m doing my best to not go back and Lucasing the whole thing, although my OCD is a very tough opponent). What it is is a guy having fun on his bicycle, which I think should be enough.
A couple of weeks ago I bought a .25x fish eye converter and a 18-55 Canon kit lens. While shooting the Steven Nowak 39th Birthday All BMX Riding Old Man Video Extravaganza (and Mini Mart) I took a few snaps. I’m not sure if I’ve really got a handle on it yet, specifically how it reacts to my camera’s autofocus and metering. Anyway, here’s a couple attempts at doing something good…and failing. Click for larger.
Adam - Toboggan over the hip at Mountain Park
Steve Nowak, Tippy Toeing over a hip at Brookrun
Inside 1101 BMX. Did you know Jimmy Greene could talk? I didn't know that Jimmy Greene could talk.
As I alluded to in the previous installment of Video Killed The Mystic Negro (which I will retroactively refer to as “Pt. 0: The Clone Wars) I have been recruited to record The Steven Nowak 39th Birthday Riding Film Extravaganza (and Backdoor Way to Get George Back on His Bike*) despite my complete and utter lack of knowledge as to how to film or edit. So, Saturday I spent more or less all day filming HD and SD footage of Steve doing stuff (I also dropped in at 1101 BMX and heard Jimmy Green speak. I didn’t know Jimmy could speak).
We also watched the new Demolition video. They may as well have called it “Nothin’ but Rails,” sweet Lord, thank you for Daves Osato and Dillewaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard and Tate Roskelly, otherwise there would have been nothing there to hold my interest.
Since I don’t know what I’m doing I spent yesterday morning trying to edit together all of the bails and foot downs into an “almost made it” edit. Just to see if I could. It was then that I realized that the software that came with my point and shoot would be inadequate for the task at hand. Well I realized this when reviewing the nearly finished work it became obvious that I had accidentally trimmed a clip and my software wouldn’t let me replace it with the unedited clip.
Well, that was kind of bullshitty.
So, I did what any rational person would do, I went out and bought a copy of Avid. Now, I don’t know how to use Avid, but I figure it’ll let me do whatever the hell I want. Of course, if anyone out there has any editing tricks I’m all ears. If you know any editing tricks which will cover up a complete and total lack of filmographic talent I’d be willing to pay for those.
Anyway, below is a video that was made by someone who kinda knew what they were doing.
*Still have no plans to ride, and if I do I’m not telling. I’ve come to the conclusion that riding is something I only enjoy alone.
So, there has been a request that I film a BMX web edit for a buddy. I kind of left the request up in the air as here is my complete knowledge of video production:
My phone shoots 720p video
My point and shoot shoots 1080p video
D got me a pocket video camera that shoots 1080p video
You may notice that nowhere in that list was any knowledge of shooting or editing video. Also lacking is a proper video camera. However, I am intrigued by the idea of shooting video, especially since I recently bought a computer that can actually handle editing HD video (unlike my previous laptop which could barely handle displaying HD video). As is my way I am intrigued by the idea of shooting a video and even more intrigued by the conventions of the BMX web video.
Not really, however, after throwing myself into The Come Up and its comments section (also Ride and its comments and Vital and its comments) I have come up with a list of what to expect if I masochistically go forth with this whole video thing.
1. You Must Have an Encyclopediac Knowledge of All Videos Which Came Before You This is the most important rule. If you don’t know every video by every rider who is more or slightly less famous than you you may end up recreating a move done by someone else. This is bad, Freestyle BMX thrives on individuality (as long as you dress properly, ride parts by one of the handful of approved companies, don’t ride parts by one of the many unapproved companies and generally behave in a way that fits in with the prevailing fashion). The last thing you want to do, ever, is recreate moves done by someone else in a video. To be fair the number of people who can pull of a 100% original video can be counted on one hand, but that’s just details.
You also never want to use a song that anyone else has used in a video section, ever. The “song jack” – even if completely unintentional – is like showing someone a bukkake video that you shot with their mom. Actually, I’ve never seen someone who’s been “song jacked” actually care, mostly its other people who get all worked up about it. The “song jack” is like showing a bunch of strangers who have no communication with the person in question a bukkake video you shot with a woman that looks kinda like their mom.
2. You Are Homosexual As BMX is dominated by 16 year old boys and grown men who act like 16 year old boys the worst thing that you could possibly be is attracted to other men (if you’re a chick and attracted to other chicks, that’s hot). Beware that, if you are the subject of a web video the performing the following will be roughly the same as admitting that you bottom for George Takai:
Riding park
Riding street
Riding vert
Riding trails
Racing
I was going to say riding flat, but I think we’ve all come to the conclusion that riding flat is very, very hard and nobody cares.
3. Your Music Sucks
Let’s say you manage to get by without actually song jacking anyone (which given the proliferation of BMX web edits vs. the creation new music is almost impossible) what the hell do you do? Every good song ever written has already been used by someone, this is just a statistical truth.
NO!
Remember, 16 year old boys. You know what teenagers hate more than anything? Music that came out before they were teenagers! There is a wealth of music to be used and since BMX is all wiggafied there is a wealth of music made by White people which has never even been heard of by the vast throngs of middle class caucasian males that make up the sport. So my suggestion is go old or go metal. For instance:
Jesus is Love is arguably the best song Lionel Richie ever wrote (Alabama represent, bitches!). It has the dual advantage of being completely unknown by your average BMXer and pissing off half of them (remember, if you actually are a Christian the worst thing you can do is be a Christian because the act of existing means that you’re trying to force your beliefs on BMX even if, uh, you’re doing no such thing).
Or you could go the exact opposite way. Here’s some porno-grind from Cock and Ball Torture. I have no idea what the lyrics to Enema Bulldozer are, but do I need to? It’s a song called ENEMA BULLDOZER!!!!
You could also go country, but let’s be honest, modern country is all just really bad 80s pop music anyway. You may as well just ride to Poison.
4. Even if You Manage To Avoid All of the Above…
Someone will still bitch. Honestly, just do what you want to do. BMX is not serious business, it’s grown men riding bicycles designed for 12 year olds.
So, given what I know, can I create a video that pisses off the least most least most a good number of people? Sure. Will I?
Fuck you Dodge. Fuck you in the ear with a blue whale dick that splooges hot battery acid. You killed the world’s most perfect car, the Magnum. It was a sports tourer station wagon. It was manly. It could be had with engines ranging from the anemic (sub 200 hp V6 in the base model) to the mighty (400+ HP V8 in the top of the line SRT8). You killed it after it got its mid-cycle exterior update, but before it could get a complete refresh, including an update to its embarrassing, rental car interior.
But then the rumors started. There would be a new Magnum. But it wouldn’t be a station wagon, excuse me “sports tourer,” instead it would be a “crossover” and a replacement to the Durango. For those who don’t understand, Americans have an irrational hatred of station wagons and at some point decided that what they wanted was SUVs. But they didn’t really want SUVs because SUVs are trucks and as such drive and ride like shit. They also don’t want minivans, because they are not cool, they just want all of the functionality of minivans. So what Americans really wanted was station wagons and minivans that look like SUVs. So the crossover was born. A station wagon with a lift kit and a vaguely truckish body. This way you get the high, unstable ride of an SUV and the lack of off road or towing ability of a station wagon. It’s the worst of both worlds. Frankly, I blame Chrysler.
Anyway, it was finally decided that the Durango replacement would be named…”Durango” and it would be based off the same platform as the Jeep Grand Cherokee instead of the Dakota pick ‘em up truck. The JGC has the distinction of being one of the few non-truck based SUVs with legitimate offroad chops, but the folks at Dodge decided to make the Durango street focused, as no one who buys an SUV ever actually goes off roading with it. Wherever they fortified the Jeep for the trails, they tuned the Durango for the street. Up to and including coming up with a V6 (Heat) and V8 (R/T) handling package which drops it almost an inch, firms up the suspension and quickens the steering (and in the Heat drops the third row seating to loose another hundred, hundred fifty pounds or so). They look something like this.
Dodge Durango Heat. If you want to know what the R/T looks like imagine a V8 under the hood.
It may occur to you that this looks like a 9/8 scale Magnum. It does. Fuck you dodge, for making a stupid crossover that I kinda want. Drop it another two inches and I’m there.
Fuck
Meanwhile, over at Volvo, a company which is synonymous with station wagons. There are no station wagons. If you check Volvo’s current line up (I’ll wait, go on, seriously, I’ll be here…) you’ll notice that they only have two station wagons in their US lineup (Dear Volvo and Subaru, you’re not fooling anyone by calling the XC70 and Outback “crossover SUVs”) and one of those (the V50) is living on borrowed time. Not that Volvo only has two wagons, they just introduced the new V60 in every place that’s not here. That’s a wagon that’s so sexy I want to stick my pee pee in it (insomuch as my pee pee is attached to my body and would have to get in it as I slid into the driver’s seat)
Heico-Sportiv V60
Instead of that bit of sexiness we get this
Heico-Sportiv XC60
Which you may notice is damn near the same thing, except slightly more slab sided. Apparently a set of lowering springs designed for the big daddy S80 work perfectly to drop the XC60 about two inches all around. Which is good, because when dropped to a reasonable height – like this tuned example – it becomes, well, a reasonable wagon. Why Volvo wouldn’t, then, just give us a reasonable wagon I don’t know, but I still say FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU for making me have to build my own instead of just giving me one. You’re VOLVO for goodness sakes, you DO WAGONS. Part of your fucking brand identity is station wagons. Give. Me. A. Wagon. (As an aside, the XC60, while attractive, decently performing, comparatively inexpensive and nice riding, has an unfortunate stink on it. It is the vehicle of choice in a movie about a teenage girl with borderline personality disorder who is in love with a sexually and physically non-threatening vampire. I’m not sure how to get that to go away. I am now waiting for Mandy Nowak to insult me personally for thinking that Twilight is dumb.)
So there you go. If you’re looking for a vehicle that you can throw your bicycle or your dogs or your musical equipment in, here are two. The Durango should even be able to haul a 4×8 sheet of plywood for your home improvement or ramp building missions. I like them both. But I hate myself for it.
The Mrs. got me a pocket HD cam for Christmas. Haven’t used it that much, but I took it out to Settles yesterday when Steve and Todd were riding to play around with it. My current PCs don’t necessarily have 1080P editing capabilities, so long for videos may be out, but we’ll see…
It’d probably be better if my blog were wide enough to show the whole video. Hmmmm
I’ve always had a weird relationship with BMX, both as a rider and as a fan. I mean, I liked watching BMX videos, until all of the videos became about brakeless street riding. And I liked checking out industry news, until that became like the same thing over and over and over again. Eventually BMX became like the last season of Airwolf, you know after they shitcanned Jan-Michael Vincent and Ernest Borgnine and replaced them with Dick van Dyke’s son and a bunch of people with mullets. Not only did the long lost St. John (“Sinjin”) Hawke show up to replace the much more interesting Stringfellow, but production values went to shit with them apparently taping large portions of the show using commercial grade camcorders and…
What, too geeky? Off the point?
Well, hell, anyway. BMX has lost some of its luster for me, as a fan. Which leaves the part where I’m a participant. I finally figured that part out. Y’see, I went out to Settles Bridge with Steve on Saturday to get back on the horse as it were. I hadn’t touched my bike except to move it out the way since it got cold. And while I’ve been informed that this doesn’t count, since I don’t ride with the appropriate people, or at the appropriate events to satisfy the judges of acceptable BMX behavior (I hold grudges, folks, it’s a personal failing, I know) *I* enjoyed it.
Which is kind of the thing that I had to figure out. You see, I don’t really look forward to riding. I mean, every so often I get an itch to ride and I ride and I try to ride often enough that it becomes a habit/routine, because it really is good for me. But it’s not like, say, playing guitar. I think about playing guitar all of the time. I know that I love playing guitar. Even after jacking my wrist I’ve played guitar until it just hurt too bad to keep going on.
I’ve gone to a skatepark, taken one good slam and packed my bags and went home. Riding a bike is just not that serious to me. However, it is fun for exactly how long I do it. I never look forward to it, but I enjoy it while I’m doing it. Which is kind of weird, but the most accurate way I can describe it. So, now that I’m back on the horse I will, undoubtedly feel all “ugh” while I’m packing up the car and I’ll be tired and sore when I’m done. but I’ll have a big smile on my face while I’m doing the thing.
