Mystic Negro dot Com

I’ve been in a creative slump for a while now, one that only got worse when Mojo died.  Frankly for the last month I’ve barely had any desire to do much of anything.  I think it’s obvious in the fact that my website is pretty much just a place where you can go see women in bikinis on Monday (interesting tidbit: my traffic appears to be the same as when I was expending effort to created new content).  In an attempt to pull my head out of my proverbial tuchis I’ve been paying attention to people who do things that I admire.

Like this guy. Roger Lima is a sound designer/composer/one man band who has a handful of YouTube videos that, I think, gives hope to bedroom musicians everywhere. Here he plays a bicycle.

I remember reading a review of this album in Guitar World magazine where the reviewer (I think it was Emile D. Menesche’) showed the hubris of guitarists everywhere by claiming that David Lee Roth’s ego was obviously out of control because David Lee Roth’s voice was the loudest thing on a David Lee Roth album. Apparently, the guitars should have been louder than Dave in the mix.

Not making that up. Guitarists are dumb.



 

I once pointed out how these were the same song to a buddy of mine and he hated me for weeks.  “Hated” may be a strong word, but he was not pleased.

As I alluded to in the previous installment of Video Killed The Mystic Negro (which I will retroactively refer to as “Pt. 0: The Clone Wars) I have been recruited to record The Steven Nowak 39th Birthday Riding Film Extravaganza (and Backdoor Way to Get George Back on His Bike*) despite my complete and utter lack of knowledge as to how to film or edit.  So, Saturday I spent more or less all day filming HD and SD footage of Steve doing stuff (I also dropped in at 1101 BMX and heard Jimmy Green speak.  I didn’t know Jimmy could speak).

We also watched the new Demolition video.  They may as well have called it “Nothin’ but Rails,” sweet Lord, thank you for Daves Osato and Dillewaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard and Tate Roskelly, otherwise there would have been nothing there to hold my interest.

Since I don’t know what I’m doing I spent yesterday morning trying to edit together all of the bails and foot downs into an “almost made it” edit.  Just to see if I could.  It was then that I realized that the software that came with my point and shoot would be inadequate for the task at hand.  Well I realized this when reviewing the nearly finished work it became obvious that I had accidentally trimmed a clip and my software wouldn’t let me replace it with the unedited clip.

Well, that was kind of bullshitty.

So, I did what any rational person would do, I went out and bought a copy of Avid.  Now, I don’t know how to use Avid, but I figure it’ll let me do whatever the hell I want.  Of course, if anyone out there has any editing tricks I’m all ears.  If you know any editing tricks which will cover up a complete and total lack of filmographic talent I’d be willing to pay for those.

Anyway, below is a video that was made by someone who kinda knew what they were doing.

*Still have no plans to ride, and if I do I’m not telling. I’ve come to the conclusion that riding is something I only enjoy alone.
 

When I do an album you didn’t buy it’s usually because I came across some random, forgotten gem on Amazon (or, more and more lately, the Zune Marketplace). Then I live with the album for a week or so. Or at least I try to. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes..

Oh let me just say, this album has a high degree of shittiassitudiness.

Way back when I was a wee Mystic Negro in college I was transitioning from listening to the hair metal bands of my youth to heavier fare I decided to give this album a try. This was based mostly off a recommendation of the only Faith No More guitarist that was actually worth a damn then Faith No More guitarist Jim Martin proclaiming its heaviness and awesomeness.  Unbeknownst to me Jim is a filthy, dirty liar.

I thought that given my advanced age and appreciation for heavier music…

OK, let’s just break this down, with few exceptions (“Self Immolation” and…”Self Immolation) there really isn’t anything here.  It’s a sprawling mess full of riff salad loosely collected into “songs.” Full of samples that are meant to be “disturbing,” or “heavy” or maybe “scary.”  Some would call it “progressive,” but it’s just an aimless mess (much like this review).  One track, “Natividad” (which I believed is named after guitarist Dino Cazares’ grandmother) consists of what sounds like a metal trash can thrown down a concrete staircase.  I love you too, nana!

If this is music you didn’t buy, you’re smarter than me.

So, there has been a request that I film a BMX web edit for a buddy.  I kind of left the request up in the air as here is my complete knowledge of video production:

• My phone shoots 720p video
• My point and shoot shoots 1080p video
• D got me a pocket video camera that shoots 1080p video

You may notice that nowhere in that list was any knowledge of shooting or editing video.  Also lacking is a proper video camera.  However, I am intrigued by the idea of shooting video, especially since I recently bought a computer that can actually handle editing HD video (unlike my previous laptop which could barely handle displaying HD video).  As is my way I am intrigued by the idea of shooting a video and even more intrigued by the conventions of the BMX web video.

Not really, however, after throwing myself into The Come Up and its comments section (also Ride and its comments and Vital and its comments) I have come up with a list of what to expect if I masochistically go forth with this whole video thing.

1. You Must Have an Encyclopediac Knowledge of All Videos Which Came Before You
This is the most important rule.  If you don’t know every video by every rider who is more or slightly less famous than you you may end up recreating a move done by someone else.  This is bad, Freestyle BMX thrives on individuality (as long as you dress properly, ride parts by one of the handful of approved companies, don’t ride parts by one of the many unapproved companies and generally behave in a way that fits in with the prevailing fashion).  The last thing you want to do, ever, is recreate moves done by someone else in a video.  To be fair the number of people who can pull of a 100% original video can be counted on one hand, but that’s just details.

You also never want to use a song that anyone else has used in a video section, ever.  The “song jack” – even if completely unintentional – is like showing someone a bukkake video that you shot with their mom.  Actually, I’ve never seen someone who’s been “song jacked” actually care, mostly its other people who get all worked up about it.  The “song jack” is like showing a bunch of strangers who have no communication with the person in question a bukkake video you shot with a woman that looks kinda like their mom.

2. You Are Homosexual
As BMX is dominated by 16 year old boys and grown men who act like 16 year old boys the worst thing that you could possibly be is attracted to other men (if you’re a chick and attracted to other chicks, that’s hot).  Beware that, if you are the subject of a web video the performing the following will be roughly the same as admitting that you bottom for George Takai:

• Riding park
• Riding street
• Riding vert
• Riding trails
• Racing

I was going to say riding flat, but I think we’ve all come to the conclusion that riding flat is very, very hard and nobody cares.

3. Your Music Sucks
Let’s say you manage to get by without actually song jacking anyone (which given the proliferation of BMX web edits vs. the creation new music is almost impossible) what the hell do you do?  Every good song ever written has already been used by someone, this is just a statistical truth.

NO!

Remember, 16 year old boys.  You know what teenagers hate more than anything?  Music that came out before they were teenagers!  There is a wealth of music to be used and since BMX is all wiggafied there is a wealth of music made by White people which has never even been heard of by the vast throngs of middle class caucasian males that make up the sport.  So my suggestion is go old or go metal.  For instance:

 


Jesus is Love is arguably the best song Lionel Richie ever wrote (Alabama represent, bitches!).  It has the dual advantage of being completely unknown by your average BMXer and pissing off half of them (remember, if you actually are a Christian the worst thing you can do is be a Christian because the act of existing means that you’re trying to force your beliefs on BMX even if, uh, you’re doing no such thing).

 


Or you could go the exact opposite way.  Here’s some porno-grind from Cock and Ball Torture.  I have no idea what the lyrics to Enema Bulldozer are, but do I need to?  It’s a song called  ENEMA BULLDOZER!!!!

You could also go country, but let’s be honest, modern country is all just really bad 80s pop music anyway.  You may as well just ride to Poison.

4. Even if You Manage To Avoid All of the Above…
Someone will still bitch.  Honestly, just do what you want to do.  BMX is not serious business, it’s grown men riding bicycles designed for 12 year olds.

So, given what I know, can I create a video that pisses off the least most least most a good number of people?  Sure.  Will I?

I lied. That totally sucks.