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In celebration of the announcement of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid which will surely be one of the worst movies ever made…

There are movies that are so bad they’re good and there are movies that are so bad they’re bad.  You’d think a movie called Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus would be the former.

Idiot.

No, no, I was fooled, too.

In Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus Debbieorah Gibson plays a cougar who drives a submarine around and has sex with an Asian guy.  Lorenzo Lamas plays a bad ass who’s in charge of the military.  We know he’s a bad ass because he wears all black instead of a uniform and has a pony tail.  We’re never actually told what it is he does, but it’s bad ass.  The story revolves around Deborahbie Gibson falling in love with a geeky, Japanese scientist.

No, no, really.

OK, here we go.  Debbie Gibson and a friend steal a research submarine and find a megalodon and a giant octopus trapped in ice.

These two giants of the deep go on to do crazy shit like, eat an airliner from the sky (see, Great Whites jump from the ocean to eat birds, so obviously a giant Great White could eat a cruising jumbo jet) destroy an oil rig off the coast of Asia (I think it was Japan, but does it really matter?  I think a member of the government apologized to the octopus for causing an ecological disaster) and, oh yeah, eating the golden gate bridge.

The last interesting thing that happens in the whole, damn movie

Debbie Gibson then lets the Japanese scientist put his electric youth in her and they decide that phermones will cause the Mega Shark to versus the Giant Octopus…which it does…for four minutes (I know I timed it). Then the movie ends.

I know you’re like “George, this synopsis sucks, it doesn’t tell us anything and is confusing.” Yes, it makes more sense than the movie and has imparted pretty much the entirety of it.  MSvGO is the kind of movie where they couldn’t be bothered to film the stock footage of a hand on a joystick steering left, right, up and down, therefore it looks like the protagonist got a manicure 7 times in 2 minutes in a submarine.  You can just imagine an actor asking the director, “If Debbie Gibson is trying to sneak into a secure, government research area on a beach, why would she wear 4″ heels and a mini skirt?” and the director looking back at him and with all seriousness replying, “Why? BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT’S WHY!!!!!!!!!!” It’s a movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus that’s two hours long and has the title battle end in less than five minutes.  It may be the worst movie ever.

Really, no, really.  The synopsis on IMDB pretty much sums it all up.

I just don’t understand why this movie was ever made..May be the producer was itching to let some(Few million) money slip out of his fingers, just like that. Apart from the title of the movie, there is nothing else that is worthy of attention….

This movie was Dead dull from beginning to end and bear with me as i unfold its mysteries(as if there were any!!!)

(AGAIN SPOILERS AHEAD SO SAVE YOURSELF SOME TIME AND CONSIDER THE ABOVE MESSAGE AS A WARNING AND CARRY ON WITH YOUR BUSINESS!!!!) …………………… ………………………. …………………………….. …………………………….. ……………………………………. ………………………………………… …………………………………………. ……………………………………………..

So you decided to read anyway. Never mind, let’s begin: It all begins when two scientists accidentally discover a mega shark and giant octopus buried in ice under sea.Now the ice obviously breaks due to a whale collapsing incident which our doctors were in right time to witness by the way on an experimental submarine which they had stolen for exploration( probably written in script to give the BADASS side to the otherwise nerdy protagonist i.e, Deborah Gibson the woman playing Emma)

Anyway, soon after these prehistoric creatures are at loose once again, they start hunting for food and bizarre incidents start happening all around the globe like tearing up of an oil rig by our friend octopus and disappearance of an airplane flying at 15000 feet in air at around 200 nautical miles per hour: Courtesy Mega shark(Now Come on, enough is enough!! I could digest the oil rig bit, but this is too much! The shark actually jumps i don’t know 15000 feet in the air grabs the plane by its wings and plumbs it down under the ocean,Jesus!)

Anyhoo, soon the world turns to our protagonists Emma, Her retired or i don’t know retarded professor and her would be lover Dr. Seiji Shimada for solution to this menace….So after a lot of of shots devoted to what can only be described as a high school chemistry laboratory our fellow doctors come up with a solution heromones – To lure them as bait(only after having an intense session of love making in the so called research lab storage room: this is where it strikes them!!! What a lame excuse to put a Sex Scene in the movie!!)

The creatures however are too smart for us humans and although they get lured by pheromones(now who wouldn’t!)they eventually escape, These are troubled times as our Governments are now thinking of deploying nukes to stop these beasts and by governments i mean a guy with a ponytail A.K.A Allan Baxter played by Lorenzo Lamas, now i still couldn’t figure out which agency was he working for and honestly speaking i have no stamina or will to watch this movie again, just for that!

Ultimately Our genius doctors/ Scientist Decide that since the pheromone thing worked a little bit, they are gonna give it another try, but this time they ‘ll lure the beasts to a single location far from civilization under the abyss of ocean, so that they can kill each other off and finally finish off what they started millions of of years ago…. The rest my friends, as they say, is History….

P.S- The special effects were not so “special”…

P.P.S- If these creatures were so hungry all the time why didn’t they destroyed the submarine(which had EMMA AND VINCE on board)and ate them, when it was meters away from them when they first got loose??(My guess:Otherwise the movie would not have been made!!)

Watch it at your own risk!!!

Yup, that’s about it.  That being said, I’m still so watching Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

*The GSS posits that Godzilla is always the perfect size for causing maximum damage.  that is, if Godzilla will cause more damage by running ON buildings he will be several thousand feet tall, if he will cause more damage by running THROUGH buildings he will be the “30 stories high” he’s described as in the theme song to the cartoon