So, yeah, this video will not change the world or save BMX. It will not blow your mind or destroy your senses. It has some technical glitches because I don’t know what I’m doing (and I’m doing my best to not go back and Lucasing the whole thing, although my OCD is a very tough opponent). What it is is a guy having fun on his bicycle, which I think should be enough.
I remember reading a review of this album in Guitar World magazine where the reviewer (I think it was Emile D. Menesche’) showed the hubris of guitarists everywhere by claiming that David Lee Roth’s ego was obviously out of control because David Lee Roth’s voice was the loudest thing on a David Lee Roth album. Apparently, the guitars should have been louder than Dave in the mix.
When I do an album you didn’t buy it’s usually because I came across some random, forgotten gem on Amazon (or, more and more lately, the Zune Marketplace). Then I live with the album for a week or so. Or at least I try to. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes..
Oh let me just say, this album has a high degree of shittiassitudiness.
Way back when I was a wee Mystic Negro in college I was transitioning from listening to the hair metal bands of my youth to heavier fare I decided to give this album a try. This was based mostly off a recommendation of the only Faith No More guitarist that was actually worth a damn then Faith No More guitarist Jim Martin proclaiming its heaviness and awesomeness. Unbeknownst to me Jim is a filthy, dirty liar.
I thought that given my advanced age and appreciation for heavier music…
OK, let’s just break this down, with few exceptions (“Self Immolation” and…”Self Immolation) there really isn’t anything here. It’s a sprawling mess full of riff salad loosely collected into “songs.” Full of samples that are meant to be “disturbing,” or “heavy” or maybe “scary.” Some would call it “progressive,” but it’s just an aimless mess (much like this review). One track, “Natividad” (which I believed is named after guitarist Dino Cazares’ grandmother) consists of what sounds like a metal trash can thrown down a concrete staircase. I love you too, nana!
If this is music you didn’t buy, you’re smarter than me.
So, there has been a request that I film a BMX web edit for a buddy. I kind of left the request up in the air as here is my complete knowledge of video production:
My phone shoots 720p video
My point and shoot shoots 1080p video
D got me a pocket video camera that shoots 1080p video
You may notice that nowhere in that list was any knowledge of shooting or editing video. Also lacking is a proper video camera. However, I am intrigued by the idea of shooting video, especially since I recently bought a computer that can actually handle editing HD video (unlike my previous laptop which could barely handle displaying HD video). As is my way I am intrigued by the idea of shooting a video and even more intrigued by the conventions of the BMX web video.
Not really, however, after throwing myself into The Come Up and its comments section (also Ride and its comments and Vital and its comments) I have come up with a list of what to expect if I masochistically go forth with this whole video thing.
1. You Must Have an Encyclopediac Knowledge of All Videos Which Came Before You This is the most important rule. If you don’t know every video by every rider who is more or slightly less famous than you you may end up recreating a move done by someone else. This is bad, Freestyle BMX thrives on individuality (as long as you dress properly, ride parts by one of the handful of approved companies, don’t ride parts by one of the many unapproved companies and generally behave in a way that fits in with the prevailing fashion). The last thing you want to do, ever, is recreate moves done by someone else in a video. To be fair the number of people who can pull of a 100% original video can be counted on one hand, but that’s just details.
You also never want to use a song that anyone else has used in a video section, ever. The “song jack” – even if completely unintentional – is like showing someone a bukkake video that you shot with their mom. Actually, I’ve never seen someone who’s been “song jacked” actually care, mostly its other people who get all worked up about it. The “song jack” is like showing a bunch of strangers who have no communication with the person in question a bukkake video you shot with a woman that looks kinda like their mom.
2. You Are Homosexual As BMX is dominated by 16 year old boys and grown men who act like 16 year old boys the worst thing that you could possibly be is attracted to other men (if you’re a chick and attracted to other chicks, that’s hot). Beware that, if you are the subject of a web video the performing the following will be roughly the same as admitting that you bottom for George Takai:
Riding park
Riding street
Riding vert
Riding trails
Racing
I was going to say riding flat, but I think we’ve all come to the conclusion that riding flat is very, very hard and nobody cares.
3. Your Music Sucks
Let’s say you manage to get by without actually song jacking anyone (which given the proliferation of BMX web edits vs. the creation new music is almost impossible) what the hell do you do? Every good song ever written has already been used by someone, this is just a statistical truth.
NO!
Remember, 16 year old boys. You know what teenagers hate more than anything? Music that came out before they were teenagers! There is a wealth of music to be used and since BMX is all wiggafied there is a wealth of music made by White people which has never even been heard of by the vast throngs of middle class caucasian males that make up the sport. So my suggestion is go old or go metal. For instance:
Jesus is Love is arguably the best song Lionel Richie ever wrote (Alabama represent, bitches!). It has the dual advantage of being completely unknown by your average BMXer and pissing off half of them (remember, if you actually are a Christian the worst thing you can do is be a Christian because the act of existing means that you’re trying to force your beliefs on BMX even if, uh, you’re doing no such thing).
Or you could go the exact opposite way. Here’s some porno-grind from Cock and Ball Torture. I have no idea what the lyrics to Enema Bulldozer are, but do I need to? It’s a song called ENEMA BULLDOZER!!!!
You could also go country, but let’s be honest, modern country is all just really bad 80s pop music anyway. You may as well just ride to Poison.
4. Even if You Manage To Avoid All of the Above…
Someone will still bitch. Honestly, just do what you want to do. BMX is not serious business, it’s grown men riding bicycles designed for 12 year olds.
So, given what I know, can I create a video that pisses off the least most least most a good number of people? Sure. Will I?
I am no longer an angry young man. There are more than a few people out there who would say I was never a young man, having what we in the South call “an old soul,” but the fact of the matter is at 37 the things that mattered to me at 27 or 17 are not the same. At 37 I’m not pissed off that I can’t get laid or that my girlfriend left me, I’m annoyed that the mortgage and the car note are due on the same day and that I stepped bare footed in a puddle of dog pee left by a 13 year old Labrador in the middle of the night. It’s not very metal, it’s certainly not “brootal,” but it’s what happens when you grow up, suddenly your problems become boring.
Similarly, at 37 I don’t feel the need to listen to (or make) the most soul crushingly aggressive music ever anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for Reign in Blood and I think it’s nearly impossible to look at Metallica’s foray into Slightly Southern Fried Hard Rockallica as anything but pure fail (“Gimme fyoo, gimme fie, gimme that which I diseye” my ass) but, you know, sometimes you just need some good, hard rockin’ music to put the window and the hammer down to. Something like Nickelback or Godsmack or Disturbed, only not at all like them because I said good.
I get the feeling that Volbeat main man Michael Poulsen probably felt similarly when he threw fans of his death metal band, Dominous, a curve ball by releasing a slab of southern fried straight up metal with the album Vol.Beat. More so when he put a stake through Dominous’ heart and brought to life his next project, the “Elvis metal” Volbeat.
Now four albums in, Beyond Hell/Above Heaven is in my grubby little ears (really, anybody got a Q-Tip?). Giant hooks, smart pop sensibilities a cool ’50s aesthetic and an obsession with hot rods and outlaws. These guys should be massive, but this album came out last year and I didn’t even know about it. Apparently their record label doesn’t understand the concept of marketing music to drive fast to. How awesome is this album and how badly is Universal dropping the ball?
There are no words.
That sound you hear is James Hetfield’s splooge hitting the floor as some guys from Denmark (who are not Lars Ulrich) fully realize his psychobilly wet dream. I don’t know if there’s another album where you can hear a double bass play in unison with double bass drums or hear death metal vocals along side cowpunk rhythms but you’ll hear it here and you’ll here it good. There are no bad songs on this album. There are some oddities (the aforementioned death grunt on “Evelyn” and the death inflected rhythms on “7 Shots”) and some tracks that could easily slot in on the radio (“Fallen” and “Heaven Nor Hell”) but nothing stands out as “bad” nothing even stands out as “average” it’s all “good” or “really fucking awesome.”
Look, if you’ve ever bought a Social Distortion album and liked it, this album is for you. If you’ve ever bought a Social Distortion album and thought it needed an injection of HGH directly to the ball sack, this album is for you (I am not a doctor, injecting HGH to the balls could result in shrinkage, I don’t know, but it seems like it shouldn’t). If you have a “Cash” sticker on your helmet, this album is for you and it’s available here.
